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National Karma

blog by Jodi Leib

March 20, 2007

I'm feeling really good today.  I had an experience this weekend that opened me to allowing love abundance and positive energy in my life.

My friend discovered his soul.  Watching a man connect with his soul for the first time, connect with the higher self many people call a Higher Power, or the Quantum Field, or Jung's Soul Self, or an energy level level radiating a vibration so true, so out-of-body, so spiritual, so beyond the physical dimension into oneness and harmony with the universe is really beautiful.  My friend became enlightened.  In witnessing his enlightenment, I too had a spiritual awakening.

My spiritual awakening goes something like this.  For the past 4 years I have been battling addiction.  First, I dropped drugs and alcohol, cigarettes and using men.  It was a process, restructuring all that I knew about how to behave in the world, how to get what I wanted, how to feel good.  At first, I could barely go grocery shopping, I didn't know what to buy.  I didn't know how to buy.  I was a kid on training wheels at 30.  Actually, I was about 14, the age I starting using.  Quitting drugs and alcohol was easy.  I never really went back, because once I quit and my life got so much better, I really didn't want to go back, aside from the occasional temptation brought on by depression.  I liked being sober and was good at it.  What had me though was the grips of love addiction so strong I couldn't function without listening to my friend's music (yes, the friend mentioned above) every night before I went to bed.  I couldn't sleep without his music, hearing his voice, finding comfort in the melody.  It was my sleeping pill, I needed him to rest.  To go back a little bit, this need I had for him sent me on a quest to actually meet him, I knew in my mind we would be married.  I considered us soul mates, the whole nine yards.  I was completely hooked every way around it.  I did meet him after a long journey of navigating myself through using people to get to him.  It wasn't a pretty picture.  I hurt a lot of people.  But I got him and we were lovers.

Now we were the kind of lovers that liked to talk on the phone.  We didn't see each other much.  We never dated.  I met him eight months before I got sober, so I have spent the last four years involved with him on the periphery, and recovering from him, or addiction I should say.  We didn't see each other much because we are incompatible.  We don't like the same things.  He is busy, and he doesn't return my phone calls on a regular basis.  This I cannot stand, and will not tolerate such disrespect.  I will not settle as he ignores me, and I experienced a lot of pain and rejection from him, so I pretty much quit trying.  At first I raged at him, and I thought everything was my fault, but then I realized I needed to recover from anger, and I did.  He still treats me the same, and so I realized it's actually not my fault, his being the way he is.  So my therapist said, "Stop dialing pain."  So I did.  And then I didn't.  And then I did.  And then I didn't.

I'm the kind of person who like to see the greater good in things.  I don't know if anyone will ever read this but I'm going to write it anyway.  I don't attach myself to the results, but to the process of actually doing it.  That's where the magic is for me, that's how I get to stay in the Quantum Field.  I like being in the place of higher spirit a lot.  It's a cool scene for me.  I'm down with purity, where everyone is living at their best, people are conscious.  So here's the spiritual awakening part.  When he discovered his soul, in the reflection of a soul mate (which may or may not be me), I understood he is learning this for the first time, and that's why I think it's so beautiful.  He's likely to be ambivalent, given what I know he thinks of all this hokey bullshit, right?  And what I realized is he's not the guy for me.  I knew all along some things didn't work, really didn't work, and yet I hoped they would get better.  I said, just for the act of faking it until I believed it, "There's probably someone better for me out there."  Someone who actually cares.  And, now I know that's true.  It's not that he's bad.  He's actually a miracle.  I just had a vision of screaming babies, drugs and rock n' roll, and that chaos really turns me off.  I need serenity and peace.  I need someone who calls me everyday.  I want a stable relationship.  I really do.  I want someone who's already operating in the Quantum Field, someone who is comfortable there and not resisting it.  What I realized is that addiction is the force that keeps the self in a lower dimension.  The more I stayed addicted, the more I resisted my true self...the abundance of infinity, the power of all our souls connecting in the universe, the realization of love in my life.  A love I have hoped for.  A love I deserve.  I think I've found that now, so we'll see what really happens.  It's not that he must-call-me-everyday, it's that we talk and connect on a daily basis.  We keep the energy flowing.  We keep the communication lines open so there are no misunderstandings.  No pain to thwart us into a downward spiral. We live peacefully, harmoniously in art and life....and just staying there in the soul field.  We have a lot of soul mates.  Anyone who meets us on that level is a soul mate (provided they are indeed our friend - well I guess really nasty enemies can be soul mates too, but hopefully when a person has achieved enlightenment they are beyond violence).  Connect with the soul, your soul and mine, mind and body, and be my friend.  That is a true soul mate.

This is my spiritual awakening, my moment of enlightenment.  I am going to embrace and accept every light particle in it.  Every feeling, every flower, that's pleasure.  Pleasure keeps me hoping.

If you watch "Woman's Solitude" on this website in the movie theater, that's Woman's line in the film, "Pleasure keeps me hoping."  It's true.  When I have pleasure, soul pleasure, that's the greatest feeling in the world, the one that makes life worth living, the feeling that all is possible and accessible and manifesting.  Love abundance.

Thanks for listening.

To check out more about the Quantum Field, read anything by Deepak Chopra, or for the Soul Self, you can check out Carl Jung.  I'm linked to this great bookstore named GoodStorm, so feel free to browse the catalog on the left for great reads.

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